From Conflict to Connection
Photo by Tao Heftier
I have been reflecting lately on how stressed out we can get in our daily lives — especially since the onset of the pandemic — and how learning to regulate our nervous system can help.
I recently traveled to Boston to attend the memorial service for a dear friend of twenty-five years. This exceptional woman changed my life in countless ways. When I received notice of the service, I decided to attend with no hesitation, despite the service being less than one week before my wedding. Not even bad weather from Hurricane Ian could stop me, which meant flying out two days earlier than I had originally planned.
Gathering with family and close friends at the memorial service was a balm for our bereaved souls. We hadn’t been able to come together a year prior, when Susanne died, so we were all determined to gather for the placing of her stone at her graveside.
Following this gathering, I flew home the Monday before my Saturday wedding. This was a bit crazy. Since July I had been coping with a thoracic compression fracture accompanied by severe chronic pain, planning a wedding in our home, and preparing for this very important memorial trip.
In short, I was exhausted. My nervous system had been frayed over the past few months.
As I wearily rolled my carry-on luggage up the outdoor ramp at the Philadelphia airport to board one of the flights taking me home, I spotted the flight attendant, whom I’ll call Holly, and took an immediate dislike to her. Moments later she shot me a look of death and commanded, “Turn around! That can’t come on the plane. Go back and give it to the baggage handlers to stow!”
I was stunned. Her command was so intense. It wasn’t the kind of greeting I was accustomed to and certainly not by a business class flight attendant. My heart began to race, my breath became shallow. I could feel heat rising to my face as my jaw and fists tightened. I reacted swiftly and defensively. “I am allowed to bring this on board. Two different employees told me so!” I snapped.
She gave me another look of death and raised her voice, “Who told you that?!”
“The gate attendant and the baggage checker.” I shot back defiantly.
“Turn around.” She yelled pointing her finger at me. “I’m getting the pilot!”
She’s getting the pilot? I thought incredulously.
Momentarily defeated but in no way calm, I did an abrupt about-face, yanking my suitcase with me, practically throwing it at the baggage checkers with the outdoor cart. This was clearly not my finest moment.
I found my seat on the smallish plane and attempted to calm myself by taking long, slow breaths, the exhale longer than the inhale.
What on earth just happened there? In a word: neuroception.
Have you ever had the experience of meeting someone and taking an instant dislike to them? It seems illogical. You know nothing about them.
Or do you?
Neuroception is an evolutionary reflex that compels your brain to assess a situation with lightning speed and determine if it is threatening or safe. Unlike perception, neuroception occurs at a subconscious level.
Through a vastly intelligent neural network, the nervous system takes in myriad levels of information from the environment. Is there anything more stressful than moving through the hustle and bustle of an airport to then be trapped with hundreds of strangers in a tin can flying hundreds of miles per hour? As we move through the crowds and onto the plane, our brains are working overtime, constantly assessing the environments for cues of safety and danger. All of this takes place while we are trying to block out the overstimulation of loud noises, marketing messages, shops, and sales people competing for our attention.
It’s surprising that more fights don’t break out on planes!
Neuroception, a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges, occurs within seconds, before you have time to weigh in consciously. The brain makes a snap decision. Something in my neuroception determined the flight attendant posed a threat. The Polyvagal Theory posited by Dr. Porges suggests our nervous system has three basic branches and states:
immobilization (freeze),
mobilization (fight or flight), and
social engagement and connection.
In this case it was social disconnection and conflict. I had been thrown into a fight/flight response.
My nervous system had been hijacked by fatigue & grief and then a fight or flight response. I quickly became agitated, irritated, and frustrated when Holly yelled her command. Recognizing which state my nervous system was in gave me the knowledge to take appropriate action.
After letting go of a bit of embarrassment because of my response, I turned my attention to using my inner resourcing skills. I reassured myself that I was not in a life-threatening situation, and I began to recover composure.
The pilot came to personally explain the luggage policy and apologize for the misunderstanding. Holly stood close behind him, arms crossed, nodding her head. She forcefully interjected, “I was just doing my job, ma’am.” She seemed to believe my one carry-on might sink the plane in an emergency landing. In my calmer state, I became curious about what might have hijacked Holly.
I began to observe her closely.
She ran a tight ship. During the safety demonstration, which she performed with perfectly articulated and executed movements, she maintained her grim, no-nonsense façade. After take-off, she stood in the galley taking out one plastic trash bag after another. She meticulously folded each of them into a neat little square, then carefully tucked them away. She did the same with the napkins. She was calming herself, bringing order out of chaos.
After the drink service, she did not relax her rigid body. Instead, she discreetly withdrew a book from a hidden cubbyhole. As she opened it, I recognized the cover. Then, it all made sense.
She was reading a copy of The Body Keeps the Score, by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, the foremost expert on trauma. In fact, the author is the physician responsible for giving us the term PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). I’d be willing to bet that Holly was a trauma survivor.
My heart immediately opened with compassion.
Brava, that she was reading that self-help book. Suddenly, as a former trauma recovery therapist, I wanted to help her. She had a dysregulated nervous system! Given her job, it’s likely she finds herself in a constant state of dysregulation.
However, dysregulation doesn’t occur only with individuals who have trauma histories. It happens to each and every one of us. We witnessed entire populations experiencing dysregulation during Covid. Remember the news of people breaking out in fist fights over the mask debate? Many of us still haven’t recovered and fully reclaimed our calm nervous systems.
Holy had also been triggered into a state of fight or flight. She saw a passenger boarding her plane breaking the rules. She took immediate action.
I had witnessed a few ways that Holly tried to regulate her nervous system through a body and mind rigid with perfectionism and controlling, commanding behaviors. As a professional, I have seen this thousands of times in a thousand permutations. I discreetly called her over. She leaned forward slightly. I mentioned I had noticed the book she was reading
“Okay…?” She acknowledged with trepidation and caution.
I explained I was a former trauma psychotherapist. Her face visibly softened. Her eyes lit up. Her body language opened, shoulders dropping as she moved to squat next to my seat.
“Are you familiar with nervous system regulation?” I inquired.
“No,” she answered while leaning in closer, clearly interested.
I explained what clinicians now know about neuroscience and the nervous system, adding, “In fact, since Covid I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t suffer from a frayed nervous system!”
She nodded rapidly in agreement.
I can only imagine what she had witnessed in her profession since Covid. She has ushered tens, perhaps hundreds of thousands of passengers, onto her planes. Passengers with little patience, calm, or cooperation. Many flight attendants had been subjected to verbal or physical violence. There was a higher rate than ever of passengers in states of fight or flight.
I then explained what my nervous system experienced when she directed me to turn around and go back down the ramp. She further softened at the mention of my friend’s death during Covid. She then went on to explain what she had experienced as I tried to board.
It was a beautiful moment: We were making friends with one another’s nervous system! Our brains had moved each other from a threat category to a safe category, allowing us to move from conflict to social connection.
Asking her for a pen and paper,, I wrote down a book recommendation and beamed her my brightest warmest smile. Her face brightened, smiling in reciprocation.
As I exited the plane, walking toward Holly, I smiled again and paused to wish her the best. She clasped her hands in prayer position and bowed. I returned her gesture.
Since that day, I’ve been thinking a great deal about my interaction with Holly and what larger lessons we might learn from it.
When we witness another going into a rage, speaking sharply, becoming frustrated, aggressive, short, hysterical — or the opposite, shutting down and shutting up — we are witnessing nervous system dysregulation.
What if we all had the power to regulate our nervous systems with flexibility rather than being thrown into extreme states and getting stuck for periods of time? We would have greater health, better professional & personal relationships, higher levels of efficacy, along with greater frequencies of calm, confidence, and safe connection with others.
And we could walk through airports with relaxation and ease!
Yes, I know I am making a tall order, but change starts with one individual at a time. If a once highly anxious, nervous, fidgety individual turned mindfulness teacher, trauma recovery, therapist and resiliency coach can do it, so can you. You can learn to regulate your nervous system and move away from conflict toward connection.
Part of my work with professionals, executives, directors and their teams is to educate them about dysregulation and train them to regulate their nervous system. – Nervous system regulation naturally leads to emotional regulation and clear, calm mental processes. It is one of our greatest tools in building resilience, preventing burnout, and fulfilling that tall order.
Imagine how different your work environment could be if you and your teams experienced less conflict and more calm, clear communication and connection.
Intrigued? I’d love to connect. Reach me at www.theBraveIntrovert.com.
